got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
