oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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