You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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