seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
