She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you mean i was at the winter classic?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
