Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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