I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
