the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
