I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
