i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
