I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you never un-have a 4some
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
