YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
