dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
