dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I love having hate sex.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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