What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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