I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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