Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need a burrito and a hug.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
