He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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