I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
