I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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