You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize