Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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