sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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