The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
