she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
