NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
