We won't sleep together?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
