The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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