At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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