Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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