I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
