well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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