he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
