tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
even my farts smell like vagina
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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