im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
