I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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