i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
