I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
