how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize