Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
