Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
