i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize