Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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