dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
