You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
