We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
be right there i have to get my cape
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
