it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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