I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
