So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize