I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
