I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
