Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
