drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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