I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
