I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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