im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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