So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
