I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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