dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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