i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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