xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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