Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
