i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
