It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
